Rodger's AFL Wrap-Up

Rodger’s Wrap Up - Round 7

I bet they wont do that again

This week saw the gambling furore take a new turn as the AFL went all in and mercilessly implemented a dramatic clean out of corrupt coaches, officials and umpires from the ranks.  

First up against the wall when the revolution came was Matthew Primus, assistant coach at the Power.  His abhorrent crime was being part of an eight person syndicate that placed a $20 multi-bet - of which one part involved the Geelong-Carlton semi-final in the 2009 NAB cup.  His punishment was a full two weeks woth  of suspension.  Suspended from doing what I am not sure, I guess telling people to jump high and hit the ball to a team mate.  Take that Primus.

The next breach of the regulations, surely even more callous, was goal umpire Chris Appleton who placed four bets worth $60 on the 2009 grand final.  While he wasn’t working that day it’s possible he is mates with the goal umpire that gave full points to that shot that actually hit the post. One suspects as much, for he was consigned to his regular job for the remainder of 2010 for his corrupt behaviour.

Then there were two interchange stewards suspended for the year for a range of bets, while a time keeper got five weeks for a $5 bet.  It was at this stage I started to wonder where what in the way of malevolent evil existed here.  I guess the AFL stasi were stuck by the fact that since 80% of the $100 million worth of bets placed each year are paid in untraceable cash, they could only summarily execute a few bit players in the hope that reassures everyone that this problem is firmly under control.  

At a press conference, which was constantly interrupted by the screams of a tortured book keeper getting his just deserts for parking in the wrong car park, High Emperor Demetriu stated, “Here at ze AFL ve vill not condone zis misbehaviour, particularly in ze house (cough).  Sure we are new to this whole punishment thing, hence suspending staff rather than your run of the mill workplace methods of firing them or giving them a pay cut.  That said we are trying new methods which we think will instil the right balance of fear and loathing in staff, teams and supporters to keep on the straight and narrow.”  

After the announcement reporters were taken outside to witness the death by firing squad of Leonard Pilmington, who committed the nefarious crime of running with scissors.

In the end this somewhat dramatic over reaction reminds me of a classic python sketch with the punch line, “Lucky I didn’t tell him about the dirty knife!”

An AFL fan is swiftly dealt with for stealing Andrew Demetriu’s cream filled donut.

Sail Away Sweet Sister

Oh and one more, completely unrelated rant.  I don’t know who this so-called group the “World Speed Sailing Racing Council” are – but I have to admit to having a somewhat strong feeling of wishing they would quite simply Bock off.  

I mean really.  On one hand, they state unequivocally that anyone under the age of eighteen cannot set a new record for the youngest person to sail around the world, while on the other hand they have the gall to say that Jessica Watson hasn’t gone far enough to break the record which they were not going to give her anyway.  

Now I am not sure of what their version of ‘the world’ is but here in Australia we consider it to be the giant round thing that we live on that continually spins rather fast in an orbit around the sun.  To us clearly less informed landlubbers Jessica has sailed all the way around it, therefore we consider her to have sailed ‘around the world’.  It’s not rocket science.  

Look I’ll be honest we have enough problems detaching most 16 year old children from their X-Box, so when one decides to hop in a boat and sail a Bocking long way we are feeling a mixture of genuine surprise and unabashed pride.  While we are all simply shattered on Jessica’s behalf in that she didn’t qualify for an award you were never going to give her, with time I think we will all be able to move on.  In truth I think I am pretty safe in saying that the majority of this country doesn’t give a crap about your opinion, but would be more than happy to suggest some installation suggestions for how, when and where you can stow said opinion.  In fact we we would be terribly appreciative if you could take this opportunity to crawl back under the desk from whence you came so we can get on with celebrating an absolutely amazing achievement by an outstanding young individual.  

Round 7

The weekend opened with Dazzling Dees and the Bumbling Bulldogs at the MCG with the Field of Women event to raise awareness of breast cancer - the field filled full of flaming pink ponchos pre-game.  When Dees hero Jim Stynes appeared, a man facing his own cancer battle, the crowd erupted.  With Jimmy a motivating factor the Dees played like there were 22 of them on the field, unfortunately four of those players were umpires were wearing the same colour shorts and tops with a similarly pink tinge to the Dees players.  On six occasions the Dees mistakenly handpassed, chipped or tapped the ball in their direction – none more crucial than late in the game when Bartram handpassed to a leading umpire only to see it land in the laps of four doggies, with the ball spirited downfield for a goal which they followed with the game winner.  

His lord and highness Demetriu stated “I don’t think it cost anyone the game, and I don’t think it affected the result.  I can think of another 50 incidents”. Now for possibly the first time ever in these wrap ups Andrew actually said that.  What puzzles me is that I watched the game and I don’t remember seeing any of those other 50 incidents that happened as the result of a clearly incompetent decision.  So just to make it clear… going in with a bunch of mates on a 3 result $20 bet gets you 2 weeks off, but making a massive Bock up that cost a rebuilding team a result that could determine if they play finals is nothing to be even remotely concerned about.  In the words of Mel Brooks, “it’s good to be the king.”

Saturday saw the Britney Spears Bombers hosting the Particularly Primed Power.  Before the game much was said about the Power having the wood over the Bombers, while after the game it was a case of “Oops, they did it again”.  

Over in the west it was Woeful West Coast hosting the Horrible Hacks in a no holds barred battle for 13^th spot on the ladder.  These two once proud teams, premiers in 2006 and 2008 respectively, have certainly hit upon hard times since those glory days.  The Hacks were missing quite a lot - Lance “I’m a certain starter” Franklin, Sam “Makes the Team” Mitchell, a ruckman with any skill whatsoever, their pride, their hopes and dreams and quite clearly much in the way of football ability.  Despite a late surge by the appropriately named Roughead it was to be the Eagles day as Nick “Grug is my idol” Natinui showed the way for the Improving Eagles.

Saturday night opened with the Piping Hot Pies taking on the Ragged Roos.  The Pies ‘forward pressure’ was so intense that the Roos simply handed the ball over when kicking out of defence to save time.  The pies new man of Steele, the unfortunately named Mr Sidebottom, ran riot with five goals but was one of just 13 magpie goal kickers for the second week running.  His influence later led Caroline Wilson to observe that his free ride is over and he can expect to be tagged from here on in.  Which raises the question of who shouldn’t be tagged then – Swan, Didak, Pendlebury, Davis or Ball.  The pies are starting to look good for the same reason the Cats are, that is having quality options all over the field.  

Meanwhile in Brisbane it was the Limping Lions hosting the Fantastic Fockers, where they hoped to end their run of losses and be singing that Britney Spears song ‘Power Style’ to a team that has never in it’s entire history won an away game against Brisbane.  Sadly for the lads from Queensland, these Fockers are the real deal as they broke yet another hoodoo in 2010.  What is truly unfocking believable is that next week it’s a top of the table clash with the Pies in what will be the match of the round.  Excuse me while I check to see if someone spiked my coffee, I think I’m hallucinating.
 
On Sunday, the holy day, it was the battle for all humanity as the Crucified Crows battled to prevent Crowpocalypse by beating the Tormenting Tigers.  With fears the entire city of Adelaide might be rendered apart by a earth shattering gigantic tear as the demonic underworld unleashed it’s fury upon us all – the stakes were quite high.  With three quarters played, things looked bleak as the self proclaimed pride of South Australia were looking down the barrel of oblivion.  It was then that arch angel Tippett and his able band of men glided down from upon high to deliver the Tigers the smacking they so richly deserve.  From being even after ten minutes of play in the last quarter, the Crows put away eight superbly crafted goals to remind themselves once more that they are indeed a football team.  Not a good one mind you, but still far from the worst.  For the record Caroline Wilson also opined that this was an “engrossing battle” until three quarter time, now I haven’t looked up the word engrossing but can only surmise that it means “dire, sh*tful and completely devoid of any skill”.  

Meanwhile at Cat park, it was the Beleaguered Barbarians hosting the Sitting top of the table Swans.  This was to be a litmus test for the Swans to see exactly how well they are travelling against the undoubted best team in the league.  At half time, it was well and truly on as the Sydneysiders felt that surge of self belief.  Sadly for them Gary Ablett had something to prove following the derision of his decision to stay out after the Logies for several hours drinking water.  The effect of his late night carousing has led fans to encourage him to do it more often, as he and his companions smashed the Swans to pieces in the second half.  For the record Ablett scored over 200 in supercoach points, meaning he not only owned the ball but successfully sued anyone else who dared touch it… well except for the new Barbarian on the hill that is, James “The twenty eight year old rookie” Podsially.  If any Americans ask you what the hell a jPod is, just tell them it’s something to do with a smart Bomber who has once again embarrassed popular thinking by up-ending the long held belief that youth policy is the best policy.

The weekend ended after the weekend had ended, with the Monday night special between the Bumbling Booze taking on St Kilda Sturgeons (they lost the Surgeons title as things are getting a little bit fishy).  These teams have a lot in common - the Booze started 2010 with a huge question mark over how exactly they planned to score goals without Fevola, while after round three the Saints had that mantle handed to them when the one man band St Nick felt his hamstring go twang.  The Booze smashed the Sturgeons in every quarter, with the Saints’ impenetrable back line simply too tall and too slow to keep up with all those little Boozers as they ran rampant.  An interesting fact - in the past 3 rounds the Sturgeons have scored 22 goals in total, while Collingwood averaged that a game.