Rodger's AFL Wrap-Up

Rodger’s Wrap Up - Round 3

Eddie and the Magical Faraway Box

It was a lovely warm autumn day in Melbourne, where Edward McGuire awoke to the news that in a strange faraway land called Adelaide there lived an evil group of wrong doers – the Crowpowers – who were building a strange magical box.  This magical box had one purpose and one purpose only, to make it easier for the Crowpowers to defeat invading armies from the east and west.  To Edward, self proclaimed champion of one of those invading armies, this could not be tolerated.  His well considered response was to immediately threaten to burn this magical box to the ground, or blow it sky high with gelignite.  

At issue is the fact that the Crows and Power formed together to build a second dedicated coaches box at the far end of the ground, for use only by the home team to better assess tactical formations, player placements and collect other potentially game affecting information.  As an appeasement they stated that opposition teams are more than welcome to sit in the stands underneath the box to get a similar view of the game.  Sure, tickets to that section are provided to fans released from prison that week, but they are a reasonably friendly bunch of guys who have all been properly rehabilitated by our flawless correctional facilities.

Because of the associated furore the boards of the local clubs are now reconsidering other development plans for footy park; such as the ability to raise the end the away side is kicking to by five metres so they have kick uphill; the ability to call in cruise missile strikes from patrolling predator drones; and the prohibition from the ground of anyone who is a known associate of the criminal gangs “the Brownlow winners” or “Coleman kickers” under the recently passed anti-association laws.  

While there may have been some basis to his wailing, Eddie unfortunately didn’t stop his diatribe after making threats of terrorism - he went on say that footy park is packed full of feral supporters, which even as a pies supporter I struggle to comprehend.  That’s like Ahmijinaheydad having a go at Obama for not allowing a free and open media.  It seems more likely that Eddie believes the treatment he is dished out by the locals is what all Collingwood supporters receive in Adelaide – which is simply not the case.  People don’t hate Eddie because he is a Collingwood supporter, they hate him because he frequently makes incredibly stupid public comments – like how Adelaide fans throw urine on his playing staff and that they are all a bunch of ferals.

As a pies supporter living in Adelaide for the past twenty years, I have attended most of the finals defeats the pies have inflicted on the Crows and Power in Adelaide.  In 2002 I saw the first final between the power and the pies where I did not feel unsafe at any stage, although due to the finals ticket prices there were more cleaning staff than Power fans at the game.  In the elimination final in 2008 I was completely girt by Crows fans, the nearest pie fan was probably fifty meters away.  Was I afraid?  Not in the slightest. I cheered my team and walked from the venue with my kneecaps in tact, my jacket free of both urine and saliva and my path unfettered by drunken yobs wanting to accost me.  Then again things may have played out differently had I followed Eddie’s lead and walked out with a loudspeaker going “Dear Crows fans, you are all feral Neanderthals with spurious personal values and questionable hygienic practices”.  

Such is the nature of chilled out Adelaide the closest I have ever gotten to being even remotely concerned for my safety here was attending atheist campaigner Richard Dawkins speech at writer’s week this year, an event that required police intervention due to the aggressive nature of the protesting creationists (so aggressive they used chalk to write anti-evolution slogans on the footpath, heckled passers by and were handing out free DVD’s).  Mr Dawkins can be a little controversial – in Britain he is on the verge of successfully seeking an arrest warrant for the pope under international conventions for the protection of children – but in Adelaide Dawkins has nothing on Eddie in terms of unbridled hatred. The lesson is Adelaide is a pretty easy going place and if Eddie could just shut the Bock up then pies fans and staff would probably be much safer when they come here.

Backing up Eddie on Friday night, a day after his ill informed comments were made, was his own coach Mick Malthouse who demonstrated the demure, calm, family friendly style of atmosphere that Eddie believes AFL matches in Adelaide should have.  When Stephen “Mugshot” Milne wandered through the Collingwood huddle at quarter time, he mildly commented that Mick was “old” and then inferred, incorrectly, that assistant coach Paul Licuria was homosexual – or words to that effect.  In response Malthouse called Milne a “F**king rapist” and Licuria indicated that he would like to meet Milne in the car park after the game – I believe to discuss the relative merits of his ill informed comments before punching his Bocking lights out.

His royal AFL highness, Andrew Demetriu came out strongly against Malthouse and his comments.  “Mick Malthouse calling Stephen Milne a Bocking rapist is shocking, defamatory and will not be tolerated.  Those rape charges were dropped due to the lack of evidence and as such there is no proof that Milne has ever sexually assaulted anyone.  Why Mick chose to say that is a mystery to me.  I mean had he called Milne a Bockhead, Bockknuckle, Ugly Motherbocker, Bockwit or a Smarmy Bocking twat – well no one could possibly deny those statements are an accurate description.  After all that pugnacious little nerf herder is universally despised by everyone including his own supporters.”

The situation is now resolved as Malthouse has apologised to Milne, while Saint Kilda has acknowledged that Milne may have “inflamed” the situation by calling Malthouse something like “a silly old bunt”.   Besides handing out a total of $13,500 for the three involved, the AFL has implemented the Milne defence at the tribunal, where any striking, charging or rough conduct against Milne attracts an immediate 80% reduction in any punishment because we all know he was asking for it.

Sadly however, Eddie is still free to keep speaking in public.  

Round 3

The weekend opened with that Pies and Saints match, where besides the quarter time verbal stoush a football match transpired.  The pies led at half time, which they headed to with Riewoldt having torn both a hamstring and the hearts of Saints fans and Dream Team coaches alike.  The belief that the Saints are nothing without Nick appears to be only half true, as the Saints only kicked another 5 goals – however they still won comfortably as the pies managed no more goals after half time and kicked an appalling 4.17 for the game.  

On Saturday the winless Roos took on the winless Eagles, with the likely outcome being that one of them would actually win a game.  One of them did, although few cared as it was the unloved Roos.  There was also the Carlton Booze taking on the Baby Bombers, however it was a dull mediocre affair that offered little excitement to anyone except fans of the victorious Bombers.  

Even fewer people cared that over in Sydney it was the swans turn to beat the tigers, which they comfortably did.  The only news was that four tiger players got in trouble for celebrating their win (which is now any game they lose by less than ten goals).  Promising player Daniel Connors has been suspended for eight weeks for “unsociable behaviour” while team mates Cousins, McGuane and Polo have each been suspended for a week for “acting inappropriately”.  I believe in standard Ozzie slang, Connors was “more maggoted than a three week old carcass”  before the other three stepped in to make him pull his head in.  This somehow involved the far less intoxicated Cousins smacking him one in the face and leaving him with a black eye.  Things just get better and better down at tiger land.

Meanwhile over in Adelaide, those allegedly feral fans cheered on the Power against the Brewndan Lions.  The Power was without Brogan, giving the recycled Cameron Cloke an opportunity to show his stuff.  Unfortunately for the Power, there are very good reasons for this being his third club and they consequently found that out by getting smashed both in the ruck and on the scoreboard.  

On Sunday the Crisis Crows took on the Desolate Demons in match that offered everything that their round five encounter had last year.  That is to say not very much at all.  The only difference this time around was that with less than five minutes left on the clock they had both scored five goals each in a lacklustre effort that left Neil Craig sobbing uncontrollably.  If things were not bad enough for the crows, losing four players to injury and the game to one of the least successful teams of the past three decades has left him shattered.  The only good news from this debacle was the Patrick “Kamikaze” Dangerfield has been cleared of any serious neck damage arising from the three man tackle that saw him taken immediately to hospital.  Get well soon Dangers, no one likes to see that happen to any player – not even Stephen Milne.

The injury round continued with the Hobbling Hacks taking on the Beaten Bulldogs, with another five players added to the weekend carnage.  The game was an arm wrestle all afternoon before the big Bazza took charge with a four goal last quarter.

The round ended with what just three weeks ago would have been an obvious result, with the mighty Barbarians taking on the long suffering Focker outfit.  Not now, with two scalps in two weeks the Fockers have been looking alright, while Geelong had lost a few of their battle savvy barbarians to injury.  Despite the set backs Geelong still led by twenty early in the last quarter, when the Fockers needing something special and it was Captain Pavlich who delivered – inspiring his fellow Fockers to a stunning seven point win.  Well Fock me, it happened.  The Fockers almost had to pinch themselves, although in trying to do that Hayden Ballantyne missed and pinched Gary Ablett instead.