Rodger's AFL Wrap-Up

Rodgers Wrap Up - Round 2

The Carlton Booze

The off season saw the departure of Professor Fevola from Carlton.  The Fevinator had an illustrious career at Carlton – highlights include such magical moments as urinating on a nightclub door, donning a large phallus on drunken mad Monday celebrations, punching a bar patron in Ireland and being sent home, his affair with Lara Bingle, shamelessly flogging his range of hair care products, his much publicised separation from his wife, his much publicised reconciliation with his wife, his glaring inconsistency and on the odd occasion his football skills.  However even this buffet of drunken antics was not enough to end his time with the Booze – so he topped it off with a Brownlow Medal Nightcap of sexual harassment, lewd behaviour, vomiting, clashes with security and general idiocy that at last saw him traded away for his inappropriate behaviour – albeit in a trade that means the Booze will continue to pay part of his immense salary for a few years to come.  

So with Brendan departing the Carlton Booze for the Lions, would this mean that the behaviour of the boys would improve?  Sadly for the Booze, they merely learnt the lesson all sh*t box car owners know well – fix the loudest noise and you start to hear all those other noises you couldn’t hear before.

So it was that upon his departure, an end of season sojourn was organised where the slightly less embarrassing Booze players could stand up and fill the void.  It was thus that the Blues held a Fevathlon, an event to enable those that remained to vie for the club title of ‘resident idiot’ left gapingly vacant by the expelled Fevinator.  The scene of this gladiatorial battle to the daft was the putrid waters of the Yarra, on a boat for a three hour tour… so ludicrous it even sounds like Gilligan’s Island.  The prize, besides the prestige of the Fevathlon title, was the opportunity to meet models like Bingle and hopefully get their hands on a few lucrative tell all deals with woman’s day and new idea.  

Such was the level of competition several Boozers turned up drunk - an act so daft Fev is up there somewhere nodding in satisfaction.  Two hours into the boat booze cruise - security was calling it a day as the entire team was escorted, carried or scraped from the boat.  The drinking contest was so fierce young teenage recruit Levi Casboult, handcuffed to a senior player and going drink for drink, had passed out and needed a pick up by mum and dad.  Clearly Levi had raw enthusiasm but simply didn’t have what it takes to embarrass the club nearly enough.  

You see to win a Fevathlon, one drinking session is just not enough.  Following the boat ejection, those that remained conscious and wanted to out-drink, out-puke and out-stagger the rest for the Fev’s title made it into Fitz café owned by Mil Hanna.  By this stage they were so smashed even Hanna, a former 80’s player (a time where footballers drank stubbies at half time), was appalled by their loud oafish behaviour and even he asked them to leave.  

So off they staggered into the Melbourne nightlife and when the sun shone upon Melbourne the next day the question lingered, who was the winner of the Fevathlon?  Who had earned the title of the most complete drunken Fevwit?  Some say Mitch Robinson, who was involved in a ‘scuffle’ where he hurt his shoulder.  Others thought Eddie Betts, later arrested for public drunkenness and locked up overnight.  The clear favourites for the title however had to be Ryan Houlihan and Andrew Walker who were both staggeringly drunk and were forcibly thrown out of a Crown hotel after brawling with staff on Sunday morning.  

So it was decided on count back that the award goes to Ryan “Fevwit” Hurlihan as it was he who organised the epic Fevathlon boat cruise in the first place – a boat cruise that he had described as “Strictly a get-together, a luncheon, not a dinner and not a big booze-up – all under strict control.”  

Fear not Fev, you may be gone but you are most certainly not forgotten.  While the Hurlinator has big shoes to fill, and perhaps a few IQ points to lose, he is willing to stand up as the next drunken embarrassing idiot to ensure that the Blues don’t just fade from the headlines.  

Round 1

The Easter round opened with the Carlton Booze heading to play the Brendan Lions, with the Booze intensely keen to show that they could adequately fill the Fevola void on the field as well as off.  By half time they had proven they don’t need the Fevinator, they were perfectly capable of kicking 3.11 without him.  After half time the Booze midfield dominated and they almost took the game.  That was until the Man Mountain that is Jonathon Brown reminded everyone that the Gabba is his range, and that Fevola is but a large hill to his Alpine awesomeness.  

On Saturday it was the Desolate Demons taking on the Perky Pies.  Malthouse stated to the media in no uncertain terms that the pies would not underestimate the Demons, however it seemed as if he perhaps had forgotten to mention it to his players.  After taking down the Bulldogs last week the pies almost gave it up to the Demons, with only a bit of Neon Leon magic in the last few minutes edging the pies in front by a solitary point.  The game ended with a dropped demons mark in the goal square, leaving the beleaguered Dees devastated.  The pies meanwhile are fervently searching for another magic ‘get out of jail free’ monopoly card.

Saturday night saw the Surgeons disembowel the Roos with utter disregard.  The Roos were smashed in every category and are now going to need the best and brightest in the field of psychiatry to get them out of the change rooms for their next match.  

Meanwhile over in the West it was the Exciting Eagles taking on the Power Outs.  As we have come to expect the Power led at half time, then as per usual they simply stopped and the usual Rucci comments were being prepared for the following day shellacking in the paper.  The only problem was, someone found a back up generator in the last quarter – and his name was Jason Davenport.  A player that had eight goals in his entire career had obviously jammed a fork in an electric socket at three quarter time, as he was electric kicking four goals for the quarter and getting the Power over the line by a cheeky three points.  

On Sunday it was the Creaky Crows hosting the Sickly Swans at Footy Park.  The game, and I use that world liberally, was all but over at half time.  The Crows highlights can be described as…. I mean there was… ummmm…. Actually I can’t think of anything positive to say about them per se as they were absolutely shaisenhousen.  I mean utterly, utterly terrible.  So bad that a South Australian special interest group has taken them to court seeking an injunction on the use of the word ‘pride’ in front of the words ‘of South Australia’ in their club song – although on current form I wouldn’t expect to hear that sung until they meet the Tigers in round 7.  As for the Swans, their footy park hoodoo appears to have ended.

Over at the Terror Dome it was the Fockers turning up for their usual smacking by the Bombers in Melbourne.  They had after all beaten the Don’s just once in Melbourne since their glorious entry to the AFL way back in 1995.  The Fockers were given two chances to win, none and Fock all.  Like Han Solo in an asteroid field, they didn’t give a Fock about the odds as they ran Focking rampant in the second half.  Could this be the year they may me looking like a Focking idiot?  Who Focking knows, but with the Cats at home next week tippers everywhere will actually have to pause and actually make a decision rather than simply tick Geelong.  

The day finished with Barry’s Bulldogs taking on the Training-drill Tigers and I don’t need to tell you what happened.  On this form I believe the best chance of watching a Tiger win this year will be at the Masters, not the MCG.