Rodger's AFL Wrap-Up

Rodger’s Wrap Up - Round 7

I bet they wont do that again

This week saw the gambling furore take a new turn as the AFL went all in and mercilessly implemented a dramatic clean out of corrupt coaches, officials and umpires from the ranks.  

First up against the wall when the revolution came was Matthew Primus, assistant coach at the Power.  His abhorrent crime was being part of an eight person syndicate that placed a $20 multi-bet - of which one part involved the Geelong-Carlton semi-final in the 2009 NAB cup.  His punishment was a full two weeks woth  of suspension.  Suspended from doing what I am not sure, I guess telling people to jump high and hit the ball to a team mate.  Take that Primus.

The next breach of the regulations, surely even more callous, was goal umpire Chris Appleton who placed four bets worth $60 on the 2009 grand final.  While he wasn’t working that day it’s possible he is mates with the goal umpire that gave full points to that shot that actually hit the post. One suspects as much, for he was consigned to his regular job for the remainder of 2010 for his corrupt behaviour.

Then there were two interchange stewards suspended for the year for a range of bets, while a time keeper got five weeks for a $5 bet.  It was at this stage I started to wonder where what in the way of malevolent evil existed here.  I guess the AFL stasi were stuck by the fact that since 80% of the $100 million worth of bets placed each year are paid in untraceable cash, they could only summarily execute a few bit players in the hope that reassures everyone that this problem is firmly under control.  

At a press conference, which was constantly interrupted by the screams of a tortured book keeper getting his just deserts for parking in the wrong car park, High Emperor Demetriu stated, “Here at ze AFL ve vill not condone zis misbehaviour, particularly in ze house (cough).  Sure we are new to this whole punishment thing, hence suspending staff rather than your run of the mill workplace methods of firing them or giving them a pay cut.  That said we are trying new methods which we think will instil the right balance of fear and loathing in staff, teams and supporters to keep on the straight and narrow.”  

After the announcement reporters were taken outside to witness the death by firing squad of Leonard Pilmington, who committed the nefarious crime of running with scissors.

In the end this somewhat dramatic over reaction reminds me of a classic python sketch with the punch line, “Lucky I didn’t tell him about the dirty knife!”

An AFL fan is swiftly dealt with for stealing Andrew Demetriu’s cream filled donut.

Sail Away Sweet Sister

Oh and one more, completely unrelated rant.  I don’t know who this so-called group the “World Speed Sailing Racing Council” are – but I have to admit to having a somewhat strong feeling of wishing they would quite simply Bock off.  

I mean really.  On one hand, they state unequivocally that anyone under the age of eighteen cannot set a new record for the youngest person to sail around the world, while on the other hand they have the gall to say that Jessica Watson hasn’t gone far enough to break the record which they were not going to give her anyway.  

Now I am not sure of what their version of ‘the world’ is but here in Australia we consider it to be the giant round thing that we live on that continually spins rather fast in an orbit around the sun.  To us clearly less informed landlubbers Jessica has sailed all the way around it, therefore we consider her to have sailed ‘around the world’.  It’s not rocket science.  

Look I’ll be honest we have enough problems detaching most 16 year old children from their X-Box, so when one decides to hop in a boat and sail a Bocking long way we are feeling a mixture of genuine surprise and unabashed pride.  While we are all simply shattered on Jessica’s behalf in that she didn’t qualify for an award you were never going to give her, with time I think we will all be able to move on.  In truth I think I am pretty safe in saying that the majority of this country doesn’t give a crap about your opinion, but would be more than happy to suggest some installation suggestions for how, when and where you can stow said opinion.  In fact we we would be terribly appreciative if you could take this opportunity to crawl back under the desk from whence you came so we can get on with celebrating an absolutely amazing achievement by an outstanding young individual.  

Round 7

The weekend opened with Dazzling Dees and the Bumbling Bulldogs at the MCG with the Field of Women event to raise awareness of breast cancer - the field filled full of flaming pink ponchos pre-game.  When Dees hero Jim Stynes appeared, a man facing his own cancer battle, the crowd erupted.  With Jimmy a motivating factor the Dees played like there were 22 of them on the field, unfortunately four of those players were umpires were wearing the same colour shorts and tops with a similarly pink tinge to the Dees players.  On six occasions the Dees mistakenly handpassed, chipped or tapped the ball in their direction – none more crucial than late in the game when Bartram handpassed to a leading umpire only to see it land in the laps of four doggies, with the ball spirited downfield for a goal which they followed with the game winner.  

His lord and highness Demetriu stated “I don’t think it cost anyone the game, and I don’t think it affected the result.  I can think of another 50 incidents”. Now for possibly the first time ever in these wrap ups Andrew actually said that.  What puzzles me is that I watched the game and I don’t remember seeing any of those other 50 incidents that happened as the result of a clearly incompetent decision.  So just to make it clear… going in with a bunch of mates on a 3 result $20 bet gets you 2 weeks off, but making a massive Bock up that cost a rebuilding team a result that could determine if they play finals is nothing to be even remotely concerned about.  In the words of Mel Brooks, “it’s good to be the king.”

Saturday saw the Britney Spears Bombers hosting the Particularly Primed Power.  Before the game much was said about the Power having the wood over the Bombers, while after the game it was a case of “Oops, they did it again”.  

Over in the west it was Woeful West Coast hosting the Horrible Hacks in a no holds barred battle for 13^th spot on the ladder.  These two once proud teams, premiers in 2006 and 2008 respectively, have certainly hit upon hard times since those glory days.  The Hacks were missing quite a lot - Lance “I’m a certain starter” Franklin, Sam “Makes the Team” Mitchell, a ruckman with any skill whatsoever, their pride, their hopes and dreams and quite clearly much in the way of football ability.  Despite a late surge by the appropriately named Roughead it was to be the Eagles day as Nick “Grug is my idol” Natinui showed the way for the Improving Eagles.

Saturday night opened with the Piping Hot Pies taking on the Ragged Roos.  The Pies ‘forward pressure’ was so intense that the Roos simply handed the ball over when kicking out of defence to save time.  The pies new man of Steele, the unfortunately named Mr Sidebottom, ran riot with five goals but was one of just 13 magpie goal kickers for the second week running.  His influence later led Caroline Wilson to observe that his free ride is over and he can expect to be tagged from here on in.  Which raises the question of who shouldn’t be tagged then – Swan, Didak, Pendlebury, Davis or Ball.  The pies are starting to look good for the same reason the Cats are, that is having quality options all over the field.  

Meanwhile in Brisbane it was the Limping Lions hosting the Fantastic Fockers, where they hoped to end their run of losses and be singing that Britney Spears song ‘Power Style’ to a team that has never in it’s entire history won an away game against Brisbane.  Sadly for the lads from Queensland, these Fockers are the real deal as they broke yet another hoodoo in 2010.  What is truly unfocking believable is that next week it’s a top of the table clash with the Pies in what will be the match of the round.  Excuse me while I check to see if someone spiked my coffee, I think I’m hallucinating.
 
On Sunday, the holy day, it was the battle for all humanity as the Crucified Crows battled to prevent Crowpocalypse by beating the Tormenting Tigers.  With fears the entire city of Adelaide might be rendered apart by a earth shattering gigantic tear as the demonic underworld unleashed it’s fury upon us all – the stakes were quite high.  With three quarters played, things looked bleak as the self proclaimed pride of South Australia were looking down the barrel of oblivion.  It was then that arch angel Tippett and his able band of men glided down from upon high to deliver the Tigers the smacking they so richly deserve.  From being even after ten minutes of play in the last quarter, the Crows put away eight superbly crafted goals to remind themselves once more that they are indeed a football team.  Not a good one mind you, but still far from the worst.  For the record Caroline Wilson also opined that this was an “engrossing battle” until three quarter time, now I haven’t looked up the word engrossing but can only surmise that it means “dire, sh*tful and completely devoid of any skill”.  

Meanwhile at Cat park, it was the Beleaguered Barbarians hosting the Sitting top of the table Swans.  This was to be a litmus test for the Swans to see exactly how well they are travelling against the undoubted best team in the league.  At half time, it was well and truly on as the Sydneysiders felt that surge of self belief.  Sadly for them Gary Ablett had something to prove following the derision of his decision to stay out after the Logies for several hours drinking water.  The effect of his late night carousing has led fans to encourage him to do it more often, as he and his companions smashed the Swans to pieces in the second half.  For the record Ablett scored over 200 in supercoach points, meaning he not only owned the ball but successfully sued anyone else who dared touch it… well except for the new Barbarian on the hill that is, James “The twenty eight year old rookie” Podsially.  If any Americans ask you what the hell a jPod is, just tell them it’s something to do with a smart Bomber who has once again embarrassed popular thinking by up-ending the long held belief that youth policy is the best policy.

The weekend ended after the weekend had ended, with the Monday night special between the Bumbling Booze taking on St Kilda Sturgeons (they lost the Surgeons title as things are getting a little bit fishy).  These teams have a lot in common - the Booze started 2010 with a huge question mark over how exactly they planned to score goals without Fevola, while after round three the Saints had that mantle handed to them when the one man band St Nick felt his hamstring go twang.  The Booze smashed the Sturgeons in every quarter, with the Saints’ impenetrable back line simply too tall and too slow to keep up with all those little Boozers as they ran rampant.  An interesting fact - in the past 3 rounds the Sturgeons have scored 22 goals in total, while Collingwood averaged that a game.    

Rodger’s Wrap Up - Round 6

We’re the pride of South Australia, kinda sorta

I was going to open this week with a song dedicated to the Adelaide Crows, but after looking up the lyrics for the ironically cheery Beatles ditty ‘Help’ I soon realised they were already spot on.  So much so I sent them to the Crows management with a note suggesting that Neil Craig should sing them as the new club song for their increasingly disillusioned fans.  

Help us if you can, we’re feeling down
And we do appreciate you being ‘round
Help us get our fans back to the ground
Won’t you please, please help me?

Yes Crows fans please, please help them.  After five winless rounds the Cows had equalled their worst ever start to a season, cruelly punctuated by fourteen of their cattle missing through injury and at the moment their best are the ones soon to be put out to pasture.   Neil Craig’s preseason prediction of being a ‘top four’ side still hauntingly echoes through the hallowed halls, where now top fourteen seems almost naively optimistic.  In fact things are so bad, when they look around the room to assess how they are travelling there’s spotty little Richmond waving back at them and asking if they know where the Demons went.  

Entering round six there was only thing standing between them and their worst ever start to a season, their cross town arch rivals the Power.  Queue the ‘da da da dum’ music.  To make matters worse the giant killing Power had only last week taken out the Saints, leaving everyone with the expectation the Crows would offer little in the way of resistance.

So it was on a fine Saturday afternoon in Adelaide that the Cellar Dweller Crows took on the Perky Power in Showdown XXLMVQIII.  Shockingly with three quarters gone the game was not only still up for grabs but the Crows were actually leading, even better it was against a team fabled for its fade outs.  Visible waves of hope emanated from fans across Adelaide that finally the nightmare that has been 2010 might at last be coming to an end.  Unbeknownst to all though the sneaky Power had a crack team of electricians fix the faulty wiring mid week.  The last quarter saw the “Power Outs” signs rightfully replaced with the new sparkling “Power Ups” signs as they burst out kicking five goals in ten minutes to end the contest - in the process causing opposition fans to pull out the ultra piss weak “I wanna beat the traffic” excuse and consign the Cellar Dwellers to their worst ever start to a season, ever. The Power looked visibly saddened by what they had done, kinda like when dad had to shoot a rabid Old Yeller - sadly sometime ya simply gotta do what ya gotta do.

Within twenty four hours it was to only get worse, with a Power player publicly admitting that he felt sorry for the Crows.  When your arch enemy publicly offers you pity, you have to know the hard, bone jarring and painful impact of hitting rock bottom surely can’t be far.  Things are in fact so dire hoards of marauding zombie-like bogans resembling large animated packets of lifesavers are walking the streets with sandwich boards stating “Beware the Crowpocalypse!!!”

As if this was all going perfectly to some perversely cruel script, next week has the Crying Crows facing off against the Training Drill Tigers to see just who will blemish their otherwise perfect record by winning.  The game on one hand offers a path towards redemption for the Cows, while the other path has the Four Horsemen on stand-by.  Should they lose, it will surely trigger the Crowpocalypse and great fury with the fire and brimstone and the burning and the pain with Neil Craig likely to be recast from Lord and Saviour to the role of the dark angel Lucifer.  Crows fans can be fickle that way.  

This however is where the good news comes for the saddened fans out there, despite all the gloom the guys down at sportsbet haven’t lost faith.  The odds for a Crows win is $1.23 while the Tigers are out at $4.50 – so while your team is doing badly, it’s not yet to the stage of ‘Tiger Terrible’ and as such the Crowpocalypse should hopefully be avoided.  Of course the odds and what actually happens can often be two completely different things.

At a press conference CEO Steven Trigg implored fans not to abandon the Crows.  “We ask fans to please have patience, it may seen like an odd strategy but Neil Craig has lulled the rest of the competition into a false sense of security.  With everyone writing us off it is now time for us to strike, oh you’ll see.  You may all be laughing now, quite hysterically it seems, but just you wait…. Ok people you can stop laughing, please.  C’mon it’s not that funny. Ahhh, go and get Bocked!”

For all that has been said and done I say give Neil Craig at least one more year, he deserves it for getting amazing results out of the list he was given without the long period of cellar dwelling for draft picks common amongst certain other teams (actually every team in the top ten besides the Swans and the Lions).  Besides if you wait until the end of next year I hear Mick Malthouse might be looking for a job.  

So until then the Crows might consider a bit of Dennis Commetti Friday night football advice , “So it’s back to the old drawing board. Obviously a luxury that the guy who invented the drawing board didn’t have.”

Round 6

The weekend opened with the Super Saints taking on the Blistering Bulldogs in a blockbuster match between two of the leagues big guns.  Well so the hype told us, however what transpired was significantly less exciting.  With the lingering question of how they would score without St Nick, the Saints re-implemented their old ‘operation snoredom’ game plan.  It was their usual shut everything down, let nothing be scored style of game play that has long put fans to sleep.  My hero Dennis Commetti put it best with his advice for anyone who brought overseas relatives to the game, “Maybe take the rellies home and show them a video of another game.”  As tedious and dull as the tactic was, it worked as the Saints won by just three points in what was the all time lowest scoring game at the Terror Dome ever in its entire history.  In the post match interview Ross Lyon stated, “Most of our fans dream of Nick Riewoldt returning, we feel our game plan will give them plenty of time to do so.”

Saturday started with the Dazzling Demons taking on the Ramshackle Roos.  Last year’s wooden spooners the Dazzlers were hoping to add to their inconceivable three wins a row, one of which was even against a real football team.  Sadly for them the Roos weren’t keen to let them have four as they won comfortably.

Saturday night saw the much hyped rematch between the Baby Bombers and the Hobbling Hacks.  The hype was based around the Lloyd hit on Brad Sewell in last round of 2009 that consigned the Hacks to an early end of their season – a hit that also earned the Bombers the opportunity to be relentlessly belted by the Crows in the elimination final (back in a long forgotten era when the Crows used to win games).  This year the Hacks decided to make a statement, unfortunately for their fans that statement was “please sir, may I have another”. The Bombers won easily in the end, where the only physical pressure involved Bomber Andrew Welsh, his right knee and Xavier Ellis’s groin.  For the record the tribunal feels a knee to the groin is worth four weeks off, three if you can lodge an early guilty plea without smirking.

Over in Sydney it was the Soaring Swans hosting the Listing Lions.  After last week’s humiliation by the Dees it was expected that Man Mountain Brown and his trusty sidekick Brendan Hill would put Brisbane back on track.  If that was the script this tale was to follow, then someone forget to tell them about the late rewrite.  The Swans have a new forward option - one prone to delivering more goals than right hooks – who goes by the name Daniel “Trade-bait” Bradshaw.  Lions fans might remember him as the guy they dumped in their efforts to snag the Fevinator.  The Swannies went two men and two goals down within minutes of the start, with the Man Mountain looking to make a statement.  After that point Trade-bait stepped up with four of the Swans next nine answered goals to put their stamp on the game.  He then later fired a Malcolm Blight special, a 60 meter torpedo, after the three quarter time siren which put the nail in Brisbane’s coffin.  I’m not quite sure but he rather looked like he really enjoyed it.  The unheralded Swans now sit top of the ladder with just their narrow first round loss to the Saints blotting their record.

On Sunday it was over to the Cattery where the Barbarians were waiting for league punching bag the Terrible Tigers.  It wouldn’t have been good in the best of weeks, but with the Barbarians coming off last week’s plundering by the Booze they were out for revenge.  Needless to say it went exactly as expected, with the Tigers not managing to add to their total of three quarters won in 2010.  There was some small consolation in the 108 point battering, it wasn’t 157 points like in 2007 and they did score more than either team in the opening game of the round.  Watch out Crows, things are on the up in Tigerland.

Over at the MCG it was old enemies the Bustling Blues taking on the Piping Hot Pies. The Booze were keen to inflict the same treatment on the Pies as they had done last week against the Cats.  Sadly for them, there would be nothing of the sort.  The Booze were jumped early before getting back to within two points midway through the third quarter, however that moment of triumphant hope gave way to harsh cruel reality as Collingwood ran over them by nine goals.  Unlike recent efforts at the Terror Dome, a screaming Joffa and all of his delirious cheer squad comrades were not asked to keep it down by security this week.  Oh and like the Tigers the Booze can also take some consolation, they scored more than both teams combined in the opening game of the round.  

The weekend finished over with the western derby where the Easybeat Eagles took on the Fantastic Fockers.  For a long time the Fockers have treated beating the Eagles as something akin to a grand final win, probably because it was the closest they could actually get.  With the tables now turned many wondered if the reverse would happen and the Eagles would upstage them.  At half time, it almost looked like it may just happen.  After half time, it was a totally different story as the Fockers kicked ten goals to two to keep that winning feeling.  

For the record I’m guessing few people would have expected after six rounds that the top four would consist of Sydney, Collingwood, St Kilda and Fremantle.  Unfocking believable.  

Rodger’s Wrap Up - Round 5

Anything the AFL can do, the NRL can do better

This week the NRL, or as it is better known the Naughty Rugby Lads, has once again stolen the thunder on the AFL – all thanks to Melbourne Storm in a teacup.  Actually that’s not quite right, the Storm can’t even win a teacup and if they did the NRL would probably strip them of that too.  Yes the masters of disaster down at the NRL have once again comprehensively trumped the AFL in the only area they do better at – criminal behaviour.

In the off season when Mathew Stokes was charged with one count of trafficking a single gram of Cocaine, the Newcastle Knights had Chris Houston charged with four counts of drug trafficking for a total of 2 grams of devils dandruff and 200 ecstasy tablets.  Where two Saint Kilda players were accused of sexual assault, the NRL has not one but several teams accused of group sexual assault.  

For a while the AFL had one up with the Blues guilty of salary cap breaches through the 90’s, however not long after the NRL struck back with the Canterbury Bulldogs to tie the score in the early noughties.  That was until the latest and greatest NRL saga found that the Melbourne Storm was rorting the cap as well, even worse than both the biggest and baddest of the boys before them.  

The openly sobbing CEO David Gallop was unwavering in his response, stripping the Storm of 2 premierships, 3 minor premierships, all competition points for 2010, $1.6 million in fines and returned prize money and even the clubroom welcome mat.  In an act of benevolence the Storm were allowed to keep the shirts on their backs.

In the fallout from the so called ‘greatest controversy ever to hit Australian sport’ every man and his dog has something to say about it.  The statements I disagree most strongly with however are those saying that Melbourne Storm should be tossed out for bringing the game into disrepute.  That’s just not right.  It’s more correct to say they should be tossed out for dragging the game back into disrepute, again.  It’s not like the NRL was some naïve wide eyed child completely unfamiliar to what disrepute is.  Let’s face facts if the NRL was a person, you’d expect to find it in the Crazy horse rather than a Church.  In fact if they were any worse we would rightly expect to be watching Underbelly: Rugby League in 2011.  

This seedy turn of events is not isolated to rugby though, it has managed to snake its insidious tendrils back towards the AFL to try and drag them into this whole sordid affair.  The link is the Storm’s main fall guy CEO Brian “Scapegoat” Waldron, who also happened to be CEO of St Kilda from 2002 to 2004.  The Saints are now well and truly under the spotlight and if found guilty, are seriously at risk of having to hand back their 15^th, 11^th and 3^rd places as well as their 2004 pre-season cup.  Sure that rapid improvement sounds suspicious – but in finals from 2004 to 2006 they lost to Melbourne, Port Adelaide and Sydney.  If they were paying extra to their players, it clearly didn’t help.  Not on the level it helped the Storm anyway.

The AFL meanwhile has stated unequivocally they fully agree with the punishment and would not hesitate to inflict the same penalties.  “We find it utterly despicable that any team should be allowed to dish out an extra couple of million above the salary cap, further it’s totally unfair to the fans of every other club.  We cannot allow that kind of freewheeling discretion to artificially alter the even playing field in our competition.  Such power should solely remain the discretion of High Emperor Demetriu when he wants pet teams in developing markets to be artificially successful like Brisbane, Sydney and Gold Coast.  Otherwise we are really, really against it.”

Melbourne Storm officials, players, coaches and staff have rushed en masse to disavow any knowledge of the affair – doing such a quick runner it left a very surprised looking cleaner Dimitri Yubeleff to take responsibility for the entire debacle.  In a press release later that morning he stated “I just get job here, what you talking about?  I empty rubbish bins and vacuum, what is salary cap?”

The player themselves claim no knowledge of these extra payments – which wasn’t paid in cash but boats, cars, massive shopping vouchers and home renovations.  Now I realise they get hit in the head a lot, but surely they might notice a ruddy great boat in their driveway.  Oh I don’t doubt they can’t be linked by any evidence, but as a player you would have to be a little suspicious.  Not that I blame them - if anyone wants to redo my kitchen then by all means – but for the sake of Gary Ablett please spare us the whole naïve act as it makes you appear either completely daft or utterly dishonest.  

So who blew the whistle?  Well it wasn’t really the NRL catching them, the magical ‘second’ set of books were supplied to them in 2008 albeit by mistake.  Apparently Brian Waldon neglected to tell his secretary that two sets of books existed and she supplied the NRL auditors with the wrong book.  Oops.  The Storm hastily explained those books were ‘draft’ documents, which bought them some time but eventually after eighteen months of denials to investigators they came clean.   Well, sort of.  Apparently another whistle blower gave the NRL auditors the second set of books for 2008/2009, which gave the NRL the full picture of the extent of this debacle.  It was after that they fessed up.  That is why the punishment is so harsh; they got caught out, lied for another year and a half before they eventually decided to repent for their sins because they got dobbed in.  

Meanwhile the man at the centre of the allegations, Brian Waldron, is more than happy to speak to an independent investigation under oath about exactly what went on provided all involved parties do the same.  He claims every one knew about it including Newcorp, management, players, player managers and even the club mascot.  He was going to sell his exclusive tell all story to a current affair for $100,000, but ACA claim they were told they wouldn’t stoop to such a low level… at least that was what they said right after Brian had advised them that he wouldn’t do it based on legal advice.  What Brian probably lacks is any concrete evidence, so if that is the case then he surely must be entirely at fault so lets just blame him for everything and we can all move on.  

Oh and for the record the Storm came out on the weekend and made a statement on the field, thrashing the Warriors 40-6.  I’m not quite sure but I believe the statement was “Look what we can do when we pay our players 20% more than our opposition”.

Round 4

The weekend opened with the Creaky Crows taking on the Blundering Bulldogs.  The Crows had a lot to prove and they immediately went about doing just that by winning the first quarter.

Sadly they only average winning one quarter a game while there were still three left after that for the doggies to comprehensively smash them in.  The Crows have now equalled their worst start for the season, with the Power no doubt looking forward to their chance to make it their worst.

On Saturday the Swans beat the Eagles, which was expected.

Then came Saturday night fever where the unexpected started as the Lions faced their Demons – a team they have not beaten in Melbourne since 1999.  Sure the Dees played about 8 years worth of home games at the Gabba, but there was apparently something to it.  Man Mountain Brown was competently traversed by James Frawley, with the young Dees taking the Lions to pieces by over 50 points.  

Meanwhile over in Adelaide the Power Outs hosted the Sassy Saints.  There was much talk about the joy of Justin Koschitzke returning from suspension to fill the gap left by the injured St Nick.  Well so much for that idea.  Justin kicked no goals as his Saints showed that they play under cover too often for their own good, while the Power Outs Powered Up to simply outplay what is normally a class outfit.  I think it’s almost time to queue Michelangelo Rucci with the “super fit young men with unfettered self belief” line.  

On Sunday it was the ANZAC day extravaganza with the Perky Pies taking on the Boo Hoo Bombers.  Any semblance of a contest was shattered by quarter time, utterly decimated by half time and was it simply a matter of by how much at three quarter time.  Marvellous.  

Down in Tasmania, it was the Hacks giving it up to the Roos as they continue 2010 just like it was 2009 - quite terribly.  While over in the west the Fantastic Fockers continued their sterling run by easily seeing off the Terrible Tigers.  The Tigers did have something to smile about though; they won their 3^rd quarter for 2010 and had their lowest losing margin at a mere 39 points.  Good for them.

That left just one game for the round, an expected belting of the Carlton Booze by the Belligerent Barbarians.  However just like in history, be it the Mongols or the Huns, this Barbarian outfit appears to be watching the sun set upon their mighty empire.  The Judd led Booze used their Jackie Chan drunken fighting techniques to simply out class the competition powerhouse.  Not only beating them, but even moving above them on the ladder.  Bock me, I didn’t see this round coming.

The Cocaine Cat, Part 2

Just for the record, Matthew Stokes has faced court where he had his ridiculous trafficking charge downgraded to possession, with a guilty plea he will now be diverted to drug counselling with no criminal conviction recorded (just $3,000 in court costs and a 12 month good behaviour bond).  He will be back in round eight, with the AFL having no real grounds to suspend him.

Rodger’s Wrap Up - Round 4

Brendan Rolls the Dice, and other ludicrous titles for news articles

It’s been a busy week filled with the fallout from the Malthouse Milne Mouth Off, The Tale of the Treacherously Tanked Tigers, Nick & Gibbo Hurtin’ Hammies with it all lightly dusted with Buddy’s Bit of Biffo - you would think the AFL brains trust were doing everything short of animal sacrifice to ward off any more negative publicity.  

While they thought better of using voodoo and had just finished putting the chicken safely back in the coop, it happened again.  The AFL left slapping their heads as the usual suspect ‘The Fevinator’ decided to put the chaos cherry on the problem pie, most likely because he was missing the media spotlight in the intervening weeks since that Bingle photo fiasco.  

This time he came out with a very frank admission that he has a serious gambling problem, with a mountain of debt somewhere in the six figure range.  Good one Brendan, I really think you of all people really needed more problems.  One wonders what else he has left in the bag.  Is it simply a talent?  I suspect if he were to join meals on wheels as a volunteer it would only be a matter of days before he was ejected for some sordid, steamy incident in the tea room.  He’s special that way.  

In a press release Andrew Demetriu said this week “We simply cannot understand how Fevola found time to be addicted to gambling, I mean football has been such a big part of his life.  We are at a complete Bocking loss to comprehend how he could possibly fit a gambling addiction in between his addictions to alcohol, womanising, idiocy and attention seeking.”  

Of course the AFL cannot punish Fevola for this particular problem, not when they pocket all that cash from Sportsbet allowing them to infiltrate their entire website, weekly team announcements, game day live and even the scoreboards at the games with all the latest game odds.  They have until now ignored complaints from recovering gambling addicts who can no longer take their kids to football, what with betting temptation being in their face.  Not a tantalising prospect for Fev either if he can make it to the status of recovering addict.  Not that he has bet on footy, his weakness is poker and horses apparently.  I’m guessing we also won’t be seeing him on any more celebrity poker tournaments any time soon.
 
Fevola, who was recently interviewed for Mensa Monthly said that his inspiration growing up was Mongo from Blazing Saddles because “He farted a lot and it was funny, Brendan like Mongo”.  The interview was terminated shortly after as Brendan started waving phallic objects around before proceeding to hump the interviewer’s leg which he objected to in the strongest terms.

Then on the weekend the Fevola circus rolled on with a player throwing a beer on the Fev at the Lion Den, the second time in two years at a Lions home game. The fan was immediately pointed out by the whiney Fevinator, where he was arrested and spent the entire weekend in jail.  On Monday the man was found guilty of “interfering with a person engaged in a sporting event”, where time served was “more than a sufficient penalty”.  Justice is an interesting thing when you weigh that penalty up against what Eugene McGee got.

Meanwhile we are left to wonder what else Fevola has gotten up to over the time.  Police suspect he may be the second gunman on the grassy knoll, while he is also being questioned regarding his whereabouts Monday afternoon when Carl Williams was killed.  On his current form it not out of the question that he somehow caused the volcanic eruption in Iceland that has crippled Europe, triggered the Global Financial Crisis and is responsible for all terrorist acts ever committed.  

Personally I suspect if we manage to pull his face mask off ‘Scooby Doo’ style then we will find that he is in fact really Warrick Capper.  

Round 4

The weekend opened with the Wilted West Coast hosting the Baby Bombers.  Unfortunately for the Babies they really missed mummy after quarter time which led to a big screaming tanty that saw them to kick just one goal in the next two quarters.  Eventually Matthew Knights gave a big hug at three quarter time which led them to settle down and play, but it was too little too late.

Saturday afternoon opened with the Resurgent Roos taking on the Strutting Swans in what was a drawn out arm wrestle for most of the afternoon.  In the end the Swans were too good for the Roos – but that really doesn’t mean too much.

Meanwhile over in Adelaide it was the Crippled Crows hosting the Carlton Booze.  The Crows were dominant in the ruck, were even in possession, had more inside 50’s and more shots at goal – which makes the fact that they lost by 48 points utterly, utterly shameful.  Six goals, nineteen behinds for the game left the theoretically superior Crows with their worst start to an AFL season ever and Neil Craig facing the most serious of questions in this tenure at the Crows.  Talk of the crows being top four material or making the finals must surely now be replaced by a more relevant short term goal – I would think finishing 14^th would be optimistic, but not unachievable.  

Saturday night saw the action move to the Gabba, where it was a battle between the two power forward recruiting teams – the Brewndan Lions hosting Bazza’s Bulldogs.  The game was a largely one sided affair, apart from the scoreline, which flattered the bulldogs thanks to the Lions piss poor goal shooting.

Meanwhile in Melbourne the Potty Mouth Pies took on the Hobbling Hacks.  The Pies had not beaten the Hacks since 2006, so they decided to do it in style.  Damn it was good to watch.

On Sunday the Dancing Demons took on the Tipsy Tigers in a game that was meant to indicate who would be the wooden spooner for 2010.  Sadly for the Tigers, they were belted and will have to wait another four weeks before they play the Crows to give us a clearer picture of the worst team in the league.  The only good news for the tigers is that they are the only team in the league that are completely free of injury… actually that just makes them even sadder.  When things could not get any worse for the tigers, it has taken just only four rounds before Sportsbet decided to pay out all bets on them taking the wooden spoon.  Yes, you read that correctly and no I am not making that part up.  

Then it was the Barbarians trying to forget that they had given it up to the Fockers last week, taking on the current pride of South Australia, the Power.   The Power must have felt pretty damn pleased with themselves to get within ten points at half time after the Barbarians got away early.  It even brought back memories of their stirring come from behind win back in 2007, coincidentally the last home loss that the Barbarians suffered. That smug self assurance of a job well half done gave way to… well I’m not sure I would call it a Power failure, more a complete and utter power absence.  The Barbarians were back to their awe inspiring best, kicking almost as many goals in the third quarter as the entire Crows V Demons match last week.  By the siren the Barbarians had smashed the Power outs by nearly three figures, equalled an eight decade old record of consecutive home wins and put to bed the myth that travelling to WA can bad for a Victorian team’s ability to run out games.  

The round ended with the Saints sans Santa taking on the Fantastic Fockers.  The Saints this week are still coming to terms with the fact that there is no Santa, at least for this season, as Saint Nick faces the very likely scenario of not playing any more football this year following his hamstring injury.  When the previously friendless Fockers trailed the Saints by just a point a three quarter time – an even bigger upset was on the cards than their defeat of the Barbarians last week.  There was to be no fairy tale finish for the Fockers, but will take the fifteen point loss and the chin and be happy to have matched up to the two top teams of the competition.

Rodger’s Wrap Up - Round 3

Eddie and the Magical Faraway Box

It was a lovely warm autumn day in Melbourne, where Edward McGuire awoke to the news that in a strange faraway land called Adelaide there lived an evil group of wrong doers – the Crowpowers – who were building a strange magical box.  This magical box had one purpose and one purpose only, to make it easier for the Crowpowers to defeat invading armies from the east and west.  To Edward, self proclaimed champion of one of those invading armies, this could not be tolerated.  His well considered response was to immediately threaten to burn this magical box to the ground, or blow it sky high with gelignite.  

At issue is the fact that the Crows and Power formed together to build a second dedicated coaches box at the far end of the ground, for use only by the home team to better assess tactical formations, player placements and collect other potentially game affecting information.  As an appeasement they stated that opposition teams are more than welcome to sit in the stands underneath the box to get a similar view of the game.  Sure, tickets to that section are provided to fans released from prison that week, but they are a reasonably friendly bunch of guys who have all been properly rehabilitated by our flawless correctional facilities.

Because of the associated furore the boards of the local clubs are now reconsidering other development plans for footy park; such as the ability to raise the end the away side is kicking to by five metres so they have kick uphill; the ability to call in cruise missile strikes from patrolling predator drones; and the prohibition from the ground of anyone who is a known associate of the criminal gangs “the Brownlow winners” or “Coleman kickers” under the recently passed anti-association laws.  

While there may have been some basis to his wailing, Eddie unfortunately didn’t stop his diatribe after making threats of terrorism - he went on say that footy park is packed full of feral supporters, which even as a pies supporter I struggle to comprehend.  That’s like Ahmijinaheydad having a go at Obama for not allowing a free and open media.  It seems more likely that Eddie believes the treatment he is dished out by the locals is what all Collingwood supporters receive in Adelaide – which is simply not the case.  People don’t hate Eddie because he is a Collingwood supporter, they hate him because he frequently makes incredibly stupid public comments – like how Adelaide fans throw urine on his playing staff and that they are all a bunch of ferals.

As a pies supporter living in Adelaide for the past twenty years, I have attended most of the finals defeats the pies have inflicted on the Crows and Power in Adelaide.  In 2002 I saw the first final between the power and the pies where I did not feel unsafe at any stage, although due to the finals ticket prices there were more cleaning staff than Power fans at the game.  In the elimination final in 2008 I was completely girt by Crows fans, the nearest pie fan was probably fifty meters away.  Was I afraid?  Not in the slightest. I cheered my team and walked from the venue with my kneecaps in tact, my jacket free of both urine and saliva and my path unfettered by drunken yobs wanting to accost me.  Then again things may have played out differently had I followed Eddie’s lead and walked out with a loudspeaker going “Dear Crows fans, you are all feral Neanderthals with spurious personal values and questionable hygienic practices”.  

Such is the nature of chilled out Adelaide the closest I have ever gotten to being even remotely concerned for my safety here was attending atheist campaigner Richard Dawkins speech at writer’s week this year, an event that required police intervention due to the aggressive nature of the protesting creationists (so aggressive they used chalk to write anti-evolution slogans on the footpath, heckled passers by and were handing out free DVD’s).  Mr Dawkins can be a little controversial – in Britain he is on the verge of successfully seeking an arrest warrant for the pope under international conventions for the protection of children – but in Adelaide Dawkins has nothing on Eddie in terms of unbridled hatred. The lesson is Adelaide is a pretty easy going place and if Eddie could just shut the Bock up then pies fans and staff would probably be much safer when they come here.

Backing up Eddie on Friday night, a day after his ill informed comments were made, was his own coach Mick Malthouse who demonstrated the demure, calm, family friendly style of atmosphere that Eddie believes AFL matches in Adelaide should have.  When Stephen “Mugshot” Milne wandered through the Collingwood huddle at quarter time, he mildly commented that Mick was “old” and then inferred, incorrectly, that assistant coach Paul Licuria was homosexual – or words to that effect.  In response Malthouse called Milne a “F**king rapist” and Licuria indicated that he would like to meet Milne in the car park after the game – I believe to discuss the relative merits of his ill informed comments before punching his Bocking lights out.

His royal AFL highness, Andrew Demetriu came out strongly against Malthouse and his comments.  “Mick Malthouse calling Stephen Milne a Bocking rapist is shocking, defamatory and will not be tolerated.  Those rape charges were dropped due to the lack of evidence and as such there is no proof that Milne has ever sexually assaulted anyone.  Why Mick chose to say that is a mystery to me.  I mean had he called Milne a Bockhead, Bockknuckle, Ugly Motherbocker, Bockwit or a Smarmy Bocking twat – well no one could possibly deny those statements are an accurate description.  After all that pugnacious little nerf herder is universally despised by everyone including his own supporters.”

The situation is now resolved as Malthouse has apologised to Milne, while Saint Kilda has acknowledged that Milne may have “inflamed” the situation by calling Malthouse something like “a silly old bunt”.   Besides handing out a total of $13,500 for the three involved, the AFL has implemented the Milne defence at the tribunal, where any striking, charging or rough conduct against Milne attracts an immediate 80% reduction in any punishment because we all know he was asking for it.

Sadly however, Eddie is still free to keep speaking in public.  

Round 3

The weekend opened with that Pies and Saints match, where besides the quarter time verbal stoush a football match transpired.  The pies led at half time, which they headed to with Riewoldt having torn both a hamstring and the hearts of Saints fans and Dream Team coaches alike.  The belief that the Saints are nothing without Nick appears to be only half true, as the Saints only kicked another 5 goals – however they still won comfortably as the pies managed no more goals after half time and kicked an appalling 4.17 for the game.  

On Saturday the winless Roos took on the winless Eagles, with the likely outcome being that one of them would actually win a game.  One of them did, although few cared as it was the unloved Roos.  There was also the Carlton Booze taking on the Baby Bombers, however it was a dull mediocre affair that offered little excitement to anyone except fans of the victorious Bombers.  

Even fewer people cared that over in Sydney it was the swans turn to beat the tigers, which they comfortably did.  The only news was that four tiger players got in trouble for celebrating their win (which is now any game they lose by less than ten goals).  Promising player Daniel Connors has been suspended for eight weeks for “unsociable behaviour” while team mates Cousins, McGuane and Polo have each been suspended for a week for “acting inappropriately”.  I believe in standard Ozzie slang, Connors was “more maggoted than a three week old carcass”  before the other three stepped in to make him pull his head in.  This somehow involved the far less intoxicated Cousins smacking him one in the face and leaving him with a black eye.  Things just get better and better down at tiger land.

Meanwhile over in Adelaide, those allegedly feral fans cheered on the Power against the Brewndan Lions.  The Power was without Brogan, giving the recycled Cameron Cloke an opportunity to show his stuff.  Unfortunately for the Power, there are very good reasons for this being his third club and they consequently found that out by getting smashed both in the ruck and on the scoreboard.  

On Sunday the Crisis Crows took on the Desolate Demons in match that offered everything that their round five encounter had last year.  That is to say not very much at all.  The only difference this time around was that with less than five minutes left on the clock they had both scored five goals each in a lacklustre effort that left Neil Craig sobbing uncontrollably.  If things were not bad enough for the crows, losing four players to injury and the game to one of the least successful teams of the past three decades has left him shattered.  The only good news from this debacle was the Patrick “Kamikaze” Dangerfield has been cleared of any serious neck damage arising from the three man tackle that saw him taken immediately to hospital.  Get well soon Dangers, no one likes to see that happen to any player – not even Stephen Milne.

The injury round continued with the Hobbling Hacks taking on the Beaten Bulldogs, with another five players added to the weekend carnage.  The game was an arm wrestle all afternoon before the big Bazza took charge with a four goal last quarter.

The round ended with what just three weeks ago would have been an obvious result, with the mighty Barbarians taking on the long suffering Focker outfit.  Not now, with two scalps in two weeks the Fockers have been looking alright, while Geelong had lost a few of their battle savvy barbarians to injury.  Despite the set backs Geelong still led by twenty early in the last quarter, when the Fockers needing something special and it was Captain Pavlich who delivered – inspiring his fellow Fockers to a stunning seven point win.  Well Fock me, it happened.  The Fockers almost had to pinch themselves, although in trying to do that Hayden Ballantyne missed and pinched Gary Ablett instead.  

Rodgers Wrap Up - Round 2

The Carlton Booze

The off season saw the departure of Professor Fevola from Carlton.  The Fevinator had an illustrious career at Carlton – highlights include such magical moments as urinating on a nightclub door, donning a large phallus on drunken mad Monday celebrations, punching a bar patron in Ireland and being sent home, his affair with Lara Bingle, shamelessly flogging his range of hair care products, his much publicised separation from his wife, his much publicised reconciliation with his wife, his glaring inconsistency and on the odd occasion his football skills.  However even this buffet of drunken antics was not enough to end his time with the Booze – so he topped it off with a Brownlow Medal Nightcap of sexual harassment, lewd behaviour, vomiting, clashes with security and general idiocy that at last saw him traded away for his inappropriate behaviour – albeit in a trade that means the Booze will continue to pay part of his immense salary for a few years to come.  

So with Brendan departing the Carlton Booze for the Lions, would this mean that the behaviour of the boys would improve?  Sadly for the Booze, they merely learnt the lesson all sh*t box car owners know well – fix the loudest noise and you start to hear all those other noises you couldn’t hear before.

So it was that upon his departure, an end of season sojourn was organised where the slightly less embarrassing Booze players could stand up and fill the void.  It was thus that the Blues held a Fevathlon, an event to enable those that remained to vie for the club title of ‘resident idiot’ left gapingly vacant by the expelled Fevinator.  The scene of this gladiatorial battle to the daft was the putrid waters of the Yarra, on a boat for a three hour tour… so ludicrous it even sounds like Gilligan’s Island.  The prize, besides the prestige of the Fevathlon title, was the opportunity to meet models like Bingle and hopefully get their hands on a few lucrative tell all deals with woman’s day and new idea.  

Such was the level of competition several Boozers turned up drunk - an act so daft Fev is up there somewhere nodding in satisfaction.  Two hours into the boat booze cruise - security was calling it a day as the entire team was escorted, carried or scraped from the boat.  The drinking contest was so fierce young teenage recruit Levi Casboult, handcuffed to a senior player and going drink for drink, had passed out and needed a pick up by mum and dad.  Clearly Levi had raw enthusiasm but simply didn’t have what it takes to embarrass the club nearly enough.  

You see to win a Fevathlon, one drinking session is just not enough.  Following the boat ejection, those that remained conscious and wanted to out-drink, out-puke and out-stagger the rest for the Fev’s title made it into Fitz café owned by Mil Hanna.  By this stage they were so smashed even Hanna, a former 80’s player (a time where footballers drank stubbies at half time), was appalled by their loud oafish behaviour and even he asked them to leave.  

So off they staggered into the Melbourne nightlife and when the sun shone upon Melbourne the next day the question lingered, who was the winner of the Fevathlon?  Who had earned the title of the most complete drunken Fevwit?  Some say Mitch Robinson, who was involved in a ‘scuffle’ where he hurt his shoulder.  Others thought Eddie Betts, later arrested for public drunkenness and locked up overnight.  The clear favourites for the title however had to be Ryan Houlihan and Andrew Walker who were both staggeringly drunk and were forcibly thrown out of a Crown hotel after brawling with staff on Sunday morning.  

So it was decided on count back that the award goes to Ryan “Fevwit” Hurlihan as it was he who organised the epic Fevathlon boat cruise in the first place – a boat cruise that he had described as “Strictly a get-together, a luncheon, not a dinner and not a big booze-up – all under strict control.”  

Fear not Fev, you may be gone but you are most certainly not forgotten.  While the Hurlinator has big shoes to fill, and perhaps a few IQ points to lose, he is willing to stand up as the next drunken embarrassing idiot to ensure that the Blues don’t just fade from the headlines.  

Round 1

The Easter round opened with the Carlton Booze heading to play the Brendan Lions, with the Booze intensely keen to show that they could adequately fill the Fevola void on the field as well as off.  By half time they had proven they don’t need the Fevinator, they were perfectly capable of kicking 3.11 without him.  After half time the Booze midfield dominated and they almost took the game.  That was until the Man Mountain that is Jonathon Brown reminded everyone that the Gabba is his range, and that Fevola is but a large hill to his Alpine awesomeness.  

On Saturday it was the Desolate Demons taking on the Perky Pies.  Malthouse stated to the media in no uncertain terms that the pies would not underestimate the Demons, however it seemed as if he perhaps had forgotten to mention it to his players.  After taking down the Bulldogs last week the pies almost gave it up to the Demons, with only a bit of Neon Leon magic in the last few minutes edging the pies in front by a solitary point.  The game ended with a dropped demons mark in the goal square, leaving the beleaguered Dees devastated.  The pies meanwhile are fervently searching for another magic ‘get out of jail free’ monopoly card.

Saturday night saw the Surgeons disembowel the Roos with utter disregard.  The Roos were smashed in every category and are now going to need the best and brightest in the field of psychiatry to get them out of the change rooms for their next match.  

Meanwhile over in the West it was the Exciting Eagles taking on the Power Outs.  As we have come to expect the Power led at half time, then as per usual they simply stopped and the usual Rucci comments were being prepared for the following day shellacking in the paper.  The only problem was, someone found a back up generator in the last quarter – and his name was Jason Davenport.  A player that had eight goals in his entire career had obviously jammed a fork in an electric socket at three quarter time, as he was electric kicking four goals for the quarter and getting the Power over the line by a cheeky three points.  

On Sunday it was the Creaky Crows hosting the Sickly Swans at Footy Park.  The game, and I use that world liberally, was all but over at half time.  The Crows highlights can be described as…. I mean there was… ummmm…. Actually I can’t think of anything positive to say about them per se as they were absolutely shaisenhousen.  I mean utterly, utterly terrible.  So bad that a South Australian special interest group has taken them to court seeking an injunction on the use of the word ‘pride’ in front of the words ‘of South Australia’ in their club song – although on current form I wouldn’t expect to hear that sung until they meet the Tigers in round 7.  As for the Swans, their footy park hoodoo appears to have ended.

Over at the Terror Dome it was the Fockers turning up for their usual smacking by the Bombers in Melbourne.  They had after all beaten the Don’s just once in Melbourne since their glorious entry to the AFL way back in 1995.  The Fockers were given two chances to win, none and Fock all.  Like Han Solo in an asteroid field, they didn’t give a Fock about the odds as they ran Focking rampant in the second half.  Could this be the year they may me looking like a Focking idiot?  Who Focking knows, but with the Cats at home next week tippers everywhere will actually have to pause and actually make a decision rather than simply tick Geelong.  

The day finished with Barry’s Bulldogs taking on the Training-drill Tigers and I don’t need to tell you what happened.  On this form I believe the best chance of watching a Tiger win this year will be at the Masters, not the MCG.  

Rodgers Wrap Up - Round 1

Welcome back for season 2010.  For those of you that are new on the mailing list this year this is my slightly different take on the AFL that I do for my tipping competition - if you want to be removed then let me know.  

Please be aware reader discretion is advised as the wrap up may contain adult themes, violence, sexual references and drug use… and surprisingly not of all it is about Ben Cousins.

The Cocaine Cat

(to the tune of “the ballad of Jed Clampett”, the theme for the Beverly Hillbillies)


Come and listen to a story ‘bout a guy named Matt
Never did too much as a forward for the cats  
Then one day he was ringing some strange bloke,
Who he asked for his mates if he could score some coke
 (Cocaine that is, Devils Dandruff , Peruvian marching powder)

Well the next thing you know Stokes life is in despair
As the police folk said put your hands up in the air
Said the local station is the place you’re gonna sing
While you answer some questions ‘bout drug trafficking
(Dealing that is, dishing the blow, moving the bars)

Well now it’s time to say goodbye to Matt and his career
He’s shaved his mo and now is back to simply drinking beer
There’ll be no more dealing in his vicinity
No more heaped up helpings of hospitality
(You Silly Billy, that’s what they call him now, Young kids y’all don’t deal now, ya hear?)


The biggest talking point of the off season was Matthew “Pablo Escobar” Stokes who was caught in the act of procuring a gram of Cocaine for some visiting mates from the North. Unfortunately for Pablo the police don’t call the purchase of drugs for the enjoyment of friends a favour, they call it drug trafficking.  

The cruel irony in this whole debacle is that Stokes appears to be a victim of intense AFL efforts to ensure that footballers don’t TAKE drugs.  Such is the paranoia inflicted on players Pablo was explicit in telling even his dealer the cocaine he wanted to purchase was for friends and most definitely not himself.  That’s commitment to the cause.

Unfortunately for Stokes while his reputation for not using drugs remains firmly in tact among the drug dealing world - this particular dealer had his phone tapped.   Several recorded conversations have Stokes speaking about the drugs quantity, price and quality.  Had he skipped training more often to stay home watching ‘the wire’ on television like Obama does, perhaps he would have been more adequately trained in how to conduct clandestine drug transactions.  

It seems Matthew and his nefarious, evil plans to on sell one whole gram of Devil’s Dandruff for no profit whatsoever has quite likely cost him an AFL career.  The thing is if he said on the phone it was for his own use; he would never have been charged as only five people were when 70% of all intercepted calls were drug related, and in Victoria possession of 3 grams or less is not normally considered trafficking.  In the unlikely event he had been caught and charged for possession, he would already be well into a drug diversion program and a comparatively short suspension for his drug problem.  Had he simply taken it all, he was at an incredibly small risk of receiving the first of three warnings for testing positive to a drug test.  With this clear lack of understanding in mind the AFL has rushed to add a new section to the AFL Players Drug Awareness DVD titled “Why sometimes it is not better to give than receive”.

Stokes defence team cited the National Drug Strategy Household Survey 2007 that showed he was the middle man for just a few of the estimated 281,100 Australians that might be expected to use Cocaine this year, or one percent of the population. However the Geelong Magistrates court did not consider the defence that when Bomber Thompson specifically asked Pablo to deliver more one percenters in 2010, that it extended to cocaine delivery.  This despite the presiding judge at Geelong magistrates court wearing a cats scarf and frequently giving the thumbs up signal to Bomber in the back row.  In his final statement he was certainly unwavering. “The evidence is overwhelming; phone records, confessions by the dealer and the fact that at the time of your arrest you were sporting that god awful handlebar moustache that had everyone believing you were a hard arse crim.  What were you thinking?  This is the dumbest crime I have an AFL player commit since Lovett-Murray was charged for possession because his house-mate had an ecstasy tablet in his room”.

So with this clear drop in player standards there appears to be no choice but to make the wishes of talk back radio callers come true.  We should imprison every single one of these cocaine fuelled Australians.  Unemployment and crime rates would plummet, the streets would be safer and the world would be a better place.  I mean won’t anyone think of the children?  Sure there are logistical issues with the plan, based on the latest available data we would need 13 prisons for every one we currently have, or 106 if all illicit drugs are included, but isn’t safety more important?  I have no doubt these callers would have a plan to ensure our entire economy didn’t collapse under the immense costs of building all these prisons, oh and the associated lost productivity stemming from imprisoning around half the adult population.  I for one cannot imagine that callers to talk back radio haven’t conducted at least a basic cost analysis before they pick up that phone…  

Meanwhile the now well shaven Pablo, a former Adelaide zookeeper, is back working with animals at Mount Rothwell Conservation and Research Centre.  He’s looking after some endangered quolls apparently.  I guess in terms of hard core criminality, he’s got a way to go before he dethrones Chopper, Ivan Milat or the Newcastle Knights Rugby league team.

Round 1

The season opened once again with the Toothless Tigers taking on the Carlton Booze.  After being regaled with a week of advertising stating that ‘this year, the tigers are out for revenge’ you could have almost expected to witness a football match.  Sadly for the tigers the only revenge dished out was that of being slightly less thrashed than last year.  Booze supporters believe this game answered the question “How are they going to score goals without Fevola this year”, which is quite true provided the question doesn’t include “against a real football team”.

Friday night saw the Baby Bombers taking on the all mighty conquerors of 2009, the Barbarians from Geelong.  Clearly the Barbarians were still a touch groggy from all that post season pillaging, trailing by four goals half way through the third term.  Sadly the champagne sparkling pinot noir bottles hurriedly put on ice by adulated Bomber fans were to go unopened, as from that point chief Huns Ablett and Selwood stamped their authority.  Nine unanswered goals later it was the Barbarians in control and back in form for 2010.

Saturday moved to the G where the Hacks looked to make amends for their poor 2009 season, while their opponents the Demons looked at apologise for their form so far this century.  On the plus side for the Dees following their ten goal belting, the club has the experience and expertise to continue apologising to their fans through 2010.  In fact things are so good many footy commentators have shown faith in the Demons improvement, with many believing they will improve to second bottom ahead of the Tigers this year.  

Later that day at ANZ stadium in Sydney, a great deal of murmuring revolved around football circles that the Sickly Swans had what it takes to beat the St Kilda Surgeons.  The proof they said, was that last year the Saints snuck home by less than a goal twice so an improved Sicklies outfit should be able to take it out this year.  A sound theory it’s true, however like many other theories it was crushed under the overwhelming weight of reality.  Although the fact that Kennelly and Malceski were crushed under the weight of oncoming Saints, may have also been a factor.  Justin Koschitzke has earned himself a three week holiday from football following his hit, which will make a nice change from enforced holidays through injury.

Up at the Gabba it was Brendan’s Brisbane taking on the West Coast Wilters.  Despite the Lions barely being able to field a fit full team at three quarter time, they came from behind and easily overhauled the Wilters.  The Fevinator has taken up at the Lions where he left off at the Booze, with eleven shots at goal for a return of three goal, seven behinds and an out of bounds on the full.  He hasn’t lost it.

On Sunday the Power Outs took on the Rickety Roos in drizzly Adelaide, with the Power comfortably holding the game at half time before having a bit of a second half lie down.  While they scraped home by the final siren it was an effort so underwhelming even Michelangelo Rucci isn’t talking up their grand final hopes.  Oh and for those that are interested, there is an AdelaideNow online poll asking “Do you agree with Michelangelo Rucci?”.  After twenty four hours of intense voting, the jury was split with 5 yes, 5 no and the remaining 6.25 billion people of this planet not giving a sh*t.  

The big game of the opening round, which oddly did not include a grand final rematch, was between Barry’s Bulldogs and Momentarily Mick’s Magpies.  The Big Butcher Barry Hall helped the Doggies hold aloft the clubs first piece of silverware since 1970, the pre-season cup sitting happily alongside their single premiership cup from 1954.  The belief that there would be one for 2010 took a hit as Mick’s men made amends for last year’s finals fade out.

The round ended with the Fremantle Fockers taking on the Crickety Crows.  The Fockers expected to be crap again this year, although to be fair that is purely based on their previous twenty odd year history.  The Crows meanwhile are facing an uphill challenge with the oldest list, two forwards who have more surgery than the six million dollar man and according to the ‘tiser more injuries concens than the rest of the league combined.  As it turned out the Fockers were more than capable of destroying the Crows and now the local media will spend the next seven days crucifying Neil Craig  for the barbaric torture methods he used in the pre-season.